Well, well, well...............heres another year drawing to a close, another 365 days of slogging it out there, trying to be the best, a year of attempts and failures and half fulfilled promises, and on the personal front a year of disasters.
So I can only say that Im glad that finally 2007 is passing me by, and though the future is still an unseen journey, I prefer it to just being stuck in some place and ruminating on things of the past, things I have no control over.
I am not with friends right now, Im not having a blast this new year's eve, infact I might even say that Im quite bored, but just the thought that all the bad things that have happened this year are over is enough to liven up my spirits. Yes, bad things have happened but the lessons that these incidences teach are invaluable and so bad things aren't bad in their entirety.
Im up on my feet, and though things are far from being satisfactory, I have the courage to dream once in a while.
If you are reading this, let me take the opportunity to wish you a very happy new year. As for me, compared to what the last year has been, the next year can only be happier.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Happy
As one goes along in life, beliefs change, ever so often in a very radical manner. People learn to adapt to circumstances, change becomes a virtue of our existance and we, like well trained horses keep our eyes focussed straight ahead on the track, on our fellow competitors, lest they should defeat us in this agonizing race of ever changing fortunes.
It is amazing, the nature of man, how he learns to forget the past, or maybe that is just another way of saying how he is made to forget his past for reasons which at best are yet to be undersood. In the event of a personal tragedy it is so easy to find consolation; yet so much of it is out of obligation that even before the tears dry out, one is left all alone. The faces that seemed to offer a refuge merely vanish into the mob of self-defeating mockery from where they had emerged. It is true, that under such circumstances, you will find a shoulder to rest on, and more often than not, that shoulder will be your own.
Socialising is upheld as a quality, indeed, one needs to be special in order to have friends. You need to be special for someone to care for you, you need to be polished so that the ones around you can see what a gem of a person you are. Again, its about keeping up appearances, the better you are at pretending, the greater are your chances of being popular.
For me, the few things that I have learnt about life has been an amazing education. One need not always go through a rough patch to understand these things but a hands-on experience is worth its weight in gold.Personal tragedies are like sandpaper,they bruise to the core but leave a smooth surface at the end.
Im quite confused,sometimes regarding what I want from life,and it is easy to let the feeling of unfulfillment be overwhelming but I think that whatever I have got till now,though not all of them I have right now,is more than enough for a person like me to be happy,and so I am.............happy.
It is amazing, the nature of man, how he learns to forget the past, or maybe that is just another way of saying how he is made to forget his past for reasons which at best are yet to be undersood. In the event of a personal tragedy it is so easy to find consolation; yet so much of it is out of obligation that even before the tears dry out, one is left all alone. The faces that seemed to offer a refuge merely vanish into the mob of self-defeating mockery from where they had emerged. It is true, that under such circumstances, you will find a shoulder to rest on, and more often than not, that shoulder will be your own.
Socialising is upheld as a quality, indeed, one needs to be special in order to have friends. You need to be special for someone to care for you, you need to be polished so that the ones around you can see what a gem of a person you are. Again, its about keeping up appearances, the better you are at pretending, the greater are your chances of being popular.
For me, the few things that I have learnt about life has been an amazing education. One need not always go through a rough patch to understand these things but a hands-on experience is worth its weight in gold.Personal tragedies are like sandpaper,they bruise to the core but leave a smooth surface at the end.
Im quite confused,sometimes regarding what I want from life,and it is easy to let the feeling of unfulfillment be overwhelming but I think that whatever I have got till now,though not all of them I have right now,is more than enough for a person like me to be happy,and so I am.............happy.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
A Facade
Where brave words of wisdom do no good,
Where sharpness of the mind sets to no advantage,
Where the steadfast drowsiness Acquired from worthless acquisations has no meaning;
To such a clan, to such a land do I belong.
Forced to run on a barren green,
Asked to laugh when tears were all I had.
In a world where emotions are mere juxtapositions of gloom,
A platitude for men to ponder upon, to fight for and to die in vain.
Numbness of the soul, death of the inner self,
Shrowded in darkness beyond the sight of those who have eyes
And into and over the unknown vales
Spreads a plague that rots from the inside,
That kills the mind, poisons the soul and hurts the eye.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
PRISONER OF A THOUGHT
Can you describe a feeling?
How it feels when you reach out
Expecting the familiar touch
Of those warm hands, something
You had got so accustomed to,
Something you believed would always be there;
And then you open your eyes
And there in your hands lies emptiness,
Not the comfort of everlasting love
But a fragrance released
By the floodgates of memory,
Chaining your future to your past
And fading out your present,
Making it dwell in a room
Where there is only one window,
Through which all that you believed in,
Lies submerged in a gory shadowiness.
The knowledge of something so close to heart,
That it turns scary as days grow into years,
And the passing seconds count your fears.
At a time like this wouldn’t you
Want to be blind?
Wouldn’t you want to drift away in time?
Would you not want to give up sight for consciousness’ eyes?
Wouldn’t there be a craving to believe in lies?
When you know that the hands you seek shall never be there,
A memory, bound and gagged, sentenced to the electric chair.
How it feels when you reach out
Expecting the familiar touch
Of those warm hands, something
You had got so accustomed to,
Something you believed would always be there;
And then you open your eyes
And there in your hands lies emptiness,
Not the comfort of everlasting love
But a fragrance released
By the floodgates of memory,
Chaining your future to your past
And fading out your present,
Making it dwell in a room
Where there is only one window,
Through which all that you believed in,
Lies submerged in a gory shadowiness.
The knowledge of something so close to heart,
That it turns scary as days grow into years,
And the passing seconds count your fears.
At a time like this wouldn’t you
Want to be blind?
Wouldn’t you want to drift away in time?
Would you not want to give up sight for consciousness’ eyes?
Wouldn’t there be a craving to believe in lies?
When you know that the hands you seek shall never be there,
A memory, bound and gagged, sentenced to the electric chair.
Silence
With little words to begin with, it’s difficult, I guess, to express everything lucidly. But as the saying goes, ‘there’s always a first time’, so it is never too late to get started. I don’t know whether I have something very specific to talk about but nevertheless since there is nothing much that I would rather do, it is time I let the demons inside my head do the talking for a change. So here goes………….
Quite often I have been very amazed by the misconceptions about me that have been going around. After all would it be very wrong to suggest that nobody knows me better than I do? Nobody’s hung around during the toughest of days when I have been left alone to figure out things for myself, and I have to say this, I am thankful that I have had the chance to do so, to see things for myself without being blindfolded and led to believe things I didn’t have a clue about.
As I was saying, it can be said with a fair degree of accuracy, that nobody is judged perfectly even fifty percent of the time, so misconceptions are a common phenomenon and have to be dealt with. All of us learn to do so the hard way, and I’m no exception.
However there come certain people into our lives who we believe know everything about us, forgetting that in this world, there are no absolutes, no certainties, no promises, just expectations and unfulfilled dreams.
Some people have called me a pessimist and I have vehemently denied being one. That is not to say that they are wrong and/or I am right. It’s just the way of seeing things, every individual is entitled to his own point of view, but it is wrong to pass a judgment without weighing all the pros and cons relating to the matter.
Somebody once said “I hate silence”. I hate it too, but I guess not in the same context. Unspoken words don’t amount to silence. Silence is sometimes a quality one needs to possess, when thoughts can be exchanged without exchanging words, but the understanding and bonding need to be there; without these silence is just………..the absence of sound.
Quite often I have been very amazed by the misconceptions about me that have been going around. After all would it be very wrong to suggest that nobody knows me better than I do? Nobody’s hung around during the toughest of days when I have been left alone to figure out things for myself, and I have to say this, I am thankful that I have had the chance to do so, to see things for myself without being blindfolded and led to believe things I didn’t have a clue about.
As I was saying, it can be said with a fair degree of accuracy, that nobody is judged perfectly even fifty percent of the time, so misconceptions are a common phenomenon and have to be dealt with. All of us learn to do so the hard way, and I’m no exception.
However there come certain people into our lives who we believe know everything about us, forgetting that in this world, there are no absolutes, no certainties, no promises, just expectations and unfulfilled dreams.
Some people have called me a pessimist and I have vehemently denied being one. That is not to say that they are wrong and/or I am right. It’s just the way of seeing things, every individual is entitled to his own point of view, but it is wrong to pass a judgment without weighing all the pros and cons relating to the matter.
Somebody once said “I hate silence”. I hate it too, but I guess not in the same context. Unspoken words don’t amount to silence. Silence is sometimes a quality one needs to possess, when thoughts can be exchanged without exchanging words, but the understanding and bonding need to be there; without these silence is just………..the absence of sound.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
A glass painting
This is a piece done on glass.I don't usually like the flowery stuff but the picture looks quite vibrant and the texture on the flowers came out to be quite satisfactory.The flash on the camera makes the picture look a bit too shiny,but trust me,the real thing is better than what it appears to be over here.Let me know how you rate it.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Done in charcoal
Finally,after God knows how many days I have managed to pull off a picture satisfactorily.The picture ended up quite well in the end and so I thought that I'd put it up here.It's done in charcoal and it is the first time I did something entirely in charcoal,the primary reason for this being that I didn't have any paint or even a pencil to draw with.It would be nice to know what people think about it.From now on I guess I will be putting up a lot more paintings,so watch out for my next picture.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
End of a journey
Im not sure how many people read my blog and frankly I dont really care,though I do ocassionally ask a few special people to see what I have written.
Anyway,what I really have to say is this-I am tired of crying,I am tired of begging,I am tired of my thoughts,and all these for someone I know doesnt care about these things.Yeah,I know,I know,you'll tell me she did love me a lot and it was me who broke her heart,it was me who broke her trust.........I know all of that,and believe me Im burdened with a lot of guilt.Did I not love her?I dont need to make people believe that,she knew and that is all that mattered to me,but now things are different.I had the doors shut on my face,I was told to leave,I was told not to call,and I obeyed.I let go of the most precious possesion I had and Im still reeling from the aftereffects.I still can't sleep at nights unless Im dead tired and even then my dreams haunt me.I still love her but she doesn't have to know.This is the last time I refer to her or our memories.It is a promise.............a promise to myself............a promise I have to honour for my own sake.I want to live,man.I have suffered enough for what I have done but today Im not prepared to carry this load anymore.Its the end of a journey,its the end of a path from where a new person will emerge,a person who has a lot to look forward to in life.That's all.
Anyway,what I really have to say is this-I am tired of crying,I am tired of begging,I am tired of my thoughts,and all these for someone I know doesnt care about these things.Yeah,I know,I know,you'll tell me she did love me a lot and it was me who broke her heart,it was me who broke her trust.........I know all of that,and believe me Im burdened with a lot of guilt.Did I not love her?I dont need to make people believe that,she knew and that is all that mattered to me,but now things are different.I had the doors shut on my face,I was told to leave,I was told not to call,and I obeyed.I let go of the most precious possesion I had and Im still reeling from the aftereffects.I still can't sleep at nights unless Im dead tired and even then my dreams haunt me.I still love her but she doesn't have to know.This is the last time I refer to her or our memories.It is a promise.............a promise to myself............a promise I have to honour for my own sake.I want to live,man.I have suffered enough for what I have done but today Im not prepared to carry this load anymore.Its the end of a journey,its the end of a path from where a new person will emerge,a person who has a lot to look forward to in life.That's all.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
21st January,2004-19th June,2007 -An obituary
Life began with so much joy all around that it was difficult to take in all the happiness all at once.There was so much to look forward to,so many expectations.........so many unfulfilled dreams.At one point of time,what had held so much promise,is today,nothing more than the mangled remains of a life that could have been.
Childhood had been so sweet,it was all butterflies and blue skies draped in all the beautiful shades that adorn the western sky at dusk.It was a time of growing up,where one didn't have any expectations,the joy of life itself was an amazing inspiration to live for.Small insignificant little things abounded in laughter,there was music everywhere and a strange sort of warmth resided in the heart and it had promised never to leave.It was only natural,then to look forward to years and years of such unbounded happiness.
It is unfortunate that in the process of going forward the present is often ignored.So it was,that what began as the reason to live,now has to be confided to the trashbin of memory only because it is impossible to wipe out the memories of the best years of one's life.
Indeed,life has to go on inspite of all odds,but this feeling of incompleteness will perhaps linger on forever.
Childhood had been so sweet,it was all butterflies and blue skies draped in all the beautiful shades that adorn the western sky at dusk.It was a time of growing up,where one didn't have any expectations,the joy of life itself was an amazing inspiration to live for.Small insignificant little things abounded in laughter,there was music everywhere and a strange sort of warmth resided in the heart and it had promised never to leave.It was only natural,then to look forward to years and years of such unbounded happiness.
It is unfortunate that in the process of going forward the present is often ignored.So it was,that what began as the reason to live,now has to be confided to the trashbin of memory only because it is impossible to wipe out the memories of the best years of one's life.
Indeed,life has to go on inspite of all odds,but this feeling of incompleteness will perhaps linger on forever.
Friday, August 24, 2007
NEVER MIND WHAT I SAY
Had a really shitty day,so bad that its extending into the next.I dont really know when my day ends and when the next begins.Some nights when I dont go to sleep it feels like Im going through a 48 hour day and sometimes its even longer.
Thoughts get confused at a time like this,dont know whether its the alcohol or sleep or some wierd cocktail of both.Anyways I dont really care whether anybody reads this coz theres nothing here.I dont even know how Im managing to type.Im a genius,aint I?
Sometimes Im this person whos really sophisticated (atleast while blogging) and takes care to see that what he writes is right,but right now Im writing whatever I want to be it wrong or right,I dont give a damn.
Maybe Il delete this post as soon as Im sober but hey,atleast it will be up untill then.Theres so many things that have remained hidden inside of me,behind the mask of sobreity which has always been firewalling all the raw emotions Iv ever had.Lifes not bad at all.Its real fun to be here.And like the saying goes..........."all the worlds a stage"....................the only time that you aint acting is when you are dead,waiting your turn to be burned or buried or to be fed to the vultures...........
Thoughts get confused at a time like this,dont know whether its the alcohol or sleep or some wierd cocktail of both.Anyways I dont really care whether anybody reads this coz theres nothing here.I dont even know how Im managing to type.Im a genius,aint I?
Sometimes Im this person whos really sophisticated (atleast while blogging) and takes care to see that what he writes is right,but right now Im writing whatever I want to be it wrong or right,I dont give a damn.
Maybe Il delete this post as soon as Im sober but hey,atleast it will be up untill then.Theres so many things that have remained hidden inside of me,behind the mask of sobreity which has always been firewalling all the raw emotions Iv ever had.Lifes not bad at all.Its real fun to be here.And like the saying goes..........."all the worlds a stage"....................the only time that you aint acting is when you are dead,waiting your turn to be burned or buried or to be fed to the vultures...........
Monday, August 20, 2007
What's in a face?
I remember having stared at her face for hours on end and I had never seen her smile fade.Every single day her eyes had the same twinkle that I had seen the first day I put my eyes on her.It was as if she knew what I wanted and she was always ready with that smile of hers that cannot be described by words or any other means of expression.
It was a time before I knew what love was,and its not that I fell in love with her,but those eyes and that smile..............I just couldn't stop staring at her.
She was there whenever I needed her,whenever I needed that smile of hers,and I can proudly say that I was never disappointed.It seemed very strange that someone could be so pretty,or maybe it was just me who found her so.A thousand others also saw her all the time,Im sure,but I guess noone felt the way I felt for her.
This had gone on for quite a few days and I knew or rather prayed that she would always be there looking down with that wonderful grin,but one day she was no longer there.The place where we met every single day was deserted.I searched everywhere but found no trace of those magical eyes that had me spellbound for what had seemed like an eternity.She was not there......I just couldn't believe it.In her place there was this new advertisement about something I don't exactly remember now.The girl on the printed billboard was gone forever.
It was a time before I knew what love was,and its not that I fell in love with her,but those eyes and that smile..............I just couldn't stop staring at her.
She was there whenever I needed her,whenever I needed that smile of hers,and I can proudly say that I was never disappointed.It seemed very strange that someone could be so pretty,or maybe it was just me who found her so.A thousand others also saw her all the time,Im sure,but I guess noone felt the way I felt for her.
This had gone on for quite a few days and I knew or rather prayed that she would always be there looking down with that wonderful grin,but one day she was no longer there.The place where we met every single day was deserted.I searched everywhere but found no trace of those magical eyes that had me spellbound for what had seemed like an eternity.She was not there......I just couldn't believe it.In her place there was this new advertisement about something I don't exactly remember now.The girl on the printed billboard was gone forever.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Just like that
Its true that sometimes I miss my old life a lot but Im happy with the way I am right now.Its often very difficult to explain things to others,even people who are very close,fail to understand.I would rather live alone,on my own where I answer to noone but to myself.
Maintaining superficial appearances is an art and somehow,though reluctantly,I have learnt to admire its usefulness......
Maintaining superficial appearances is an art and somehow,though reluctantly,I have learnt to admire its usefulness......
Nothing in particular
Feelings are of no consequence ever so often. It's a mixed bag of happiness and sorrow and these days it is becoming increasingly difficult to tell one from the other.What gives so much joy at one time may one day become the greatest source of pain.
Its so easy to say "I've gone through it all",I've heard these words a million times and it irritates me to say the least.All of us believe in our inherent goodness,whatever mistake we make is just by chance.
Going by the title of this piece its easy to conclude that theres nothing in particular contained in it.I don't know what to say.At this point of my life Im confused about a lot of things but I don't even know how to ask the right question.
Its so easy to say "I've gone through it all",I've heard these words a million times and it irritates me to say the least.All of us believe in our inherent goodness,whatever mistake we make is just by chance.
Going by the title of this piece its easy to conclude that theres nothing in particular contained in it.I don't know what to say.At this point of my life Im confused about a lot of things but I don't even know how to ask the right question.
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